I got my first porno DVD way after high school. Which isn’t completely surprising, because I am female. I think (ok I know there are a few girls who start earlier. In a random jav that decided it was after hours enough to give the customers a little more than what they paid for. In the shady pubs in town or little makeshift illicit kibandas, perhaps, if they slipped in without notice. Though I doubt it. Cameo Cinema. Late night Bold and the Beautiful which whetted their appetite for more nakedness and more action. My story isn’t like that. The Bold’s soundtrack is still one of my favourite of all time though).

The cover art of the DVD had Britney Spears on it, when she was still in her heyday. I remember thinking that it was a bit archaic – I mean, who even remembers when Britney was still in her heyday? But I am sure porno cover artisans don’t really care who is on the cover, do they? In any case, it is a stroke of genius – no mother will pick up a Britney DVD belonging to her child (not knowing that yes, it is unusual, because…who even remembers when Britney was still in her heyday?). Fathers, obviously not – but more often than not they know the game, if it is their son. If it is a girl, no one thinks she is watching porn, and there is a female with pigtails on the cover, so it must be one of those new artist she likes, right?

The DVD had 6 movies in it. I never watched them all the way in. There was the sadomasochist one (as there always is) with nuns whipping their nuns/ladies-in-waiting and/or making them give them head, and then out of nowhere men would appear, to stand guard, I suppose – like I said, never watched the whole thing, but that one in particular, because I find church porn disturbing. I barely got through that episode of Californication that starts in the church, and the nun…(what happened to that show? I actually quite liked it).

There was a Thai one – 2 maybe, even – where the people on the screen were clearly getting it on, but the background sounded like a movie about a couple of teenagers having fun at the beach. Very clever. Then there was my favourite one, about girls. I don’t know what was going on there, but they got straight to it – started out on the lawn, busted by another girl, taken to another house with a married woman and her two sex slaves – it all got a bit convoluted. It was called something corny, as they always are, like Girls Night In or something.

I still have that DVD. Once in a while, I pop it out for old times sake. Recently I discovered PornHub (I only just watched Kim K’s sex tape. I know. I know.) which is a veritable plethora of all things (kuku) porno. I mean…so many categories! So many choices! It can get a bit overwhelming, like when you go to Cold Stone Creamery for the first time and your senses are basically assaulted, then they start singing, which doesn’t help to focus your thoughts.

A couple of years ago, I was introduced to Lingerie – the soft core porn series, which I prefer to PornHub. (funny story – my ex and his present were at the DVD store and the guy looks at them, decide they need a little spice in their lives and hands them Season 1, saying, hii, hii mtapenda. After the 4th sex scene in 10 minutes, they were like…um. LOL.) But it is still super cheesy.

And that’s my problem with porn.
I mean, other than the fact that it goes on for waaaaay too long – if you think about it, it’s not going to take you the entire duration of a 26 minute porno to come. Is it? Or are you watching it for its sterling production value and excellent directing? – why oh why are the scripts so cheesy? Many say this is an invalid complaint, because porn doesn’t exist for the script. But then why are the talking parts/introductions/back story so long? Si you just get to it already? And if you’re not going to get to it, then why not make the part we have to listen to good? Look, I like a little context. But not shitty context. Which is why soft porn exists. But even soft core (a la Lingerie) scripting suuuuuucks baaaaaaaalls. It’s like…guys. No. Stop. Stop talking. Please.

And the moans are really fake.
I’m sorry! Is it because I am a scriptwriter that I expect effort and better directing? But surely even you if you are with a person and they are moaning from when you hold hands. Ai.

I don’t mind porn. I just like a specific type. Like in Blue is the warmest colour. Where the moaning and speech is natural. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it isn’t a porno, but there was a lot of sex. But it was nice sex. Like a Sidney Sheldon. Or an Amanda Quick. Classy, y’know? (ha!) Or Sliver. Or that old Mel Gibson movie. Or…or maybe I just natural looking sex that isn’t a sex tape and isn’t trying to hide all the good bits. At this rate I may have to move to France.

There’s the argument again that I am not the target audience for porn. I laugh in the face of such accusations. As if women don’t consume sexual content. As if we don’t have needs. Come on, Porn Producing People. Do better.

tSN