I was a wonderfully precocious child. I say this with a mixture of pride and prejudice- HA!- because I cannot count the number of times my siblings have told me I was a much smarter kid than I am adult. So pride because I had memorized the entire periodic table and aspired to be an oceanographer,and prejudice because obviously I have a biased,rosy view of my excellence.

When I was 9,and in the 4th grade,I had a deep and abiding crush on several boys. Back then I could multitask. One of these young’uns was a boy called Brian. He was amusing. He thought he was so cool. He wasn’t,but he looked the part. He was the guy in the group of guys who’s second-in-command to the ringleader,and knows it. Not nearly as much poise,but there was something there. Technically, I wasn’t supposed to like the ringleader,because he was my best friend. I still did,though. I’ve never been one for rules. Anyway,he would’ve laughed in my face had I confessed anything so I was on to the next one: Brian.

I unfortunately was not the only lass with secondary aspirations. My nemesis was one of my best friends,Valentina. She was pretty,and cool,and also liked Brian. I don’t know how we were such good friends. One day,and I can’t remember how it started,we begun to exchange words over who should back off from Brian. All of a sudden we were at the swings,throwing girly punches. I realize this was not very Abigail-like behavior,considering how passive-aggressive I am now,but what’re you gonna do. I was 9 and apparently,very territorial. At the end of that fight,I had a bruised lip and a couple of her braids in my hand. And my favorite top was ripped a bit. But the next day we had lunch together.

And that,ladies and gentlemen,was my first and only catfight ever. I learned
1. Don’t fight when you’re in braids.
2. Or your favorite top.
3. It’s easier to just toss a coin.
4. Or go on to the other 5 options.
5. Girls can be great friends and still hate each other. Twisted,I know.
6. Still haven’t read Pride and Prejudice.

tSN