Oh boy.

This is gonna get graphic.

A little.

Is there anything more reassuring in this world than being comfortable when you take a dump?

And is there anything more uncomfortable (forget childbirth. I see you, mothers) than not being uncomfortable?

The answer to that question is no.

And this is why I hate the loos in the office.

Let me start from the beginning. Tissue is allocated in the office, like it’s a kindergarten. You have to go get as much as you want – yay – in front of everyone – boo!!

Already a problem.

Then the stalls in the chicks’ bathroom. Dude. It’s like they were made for people shaped like a square. Even if you’re not taking a dump, there’s no space to squat.

The guys’ is worse. The window is right next to the urinal, so stalker bitches can be like…

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THEEEEEN, on top of the we’re-too-stingy-to-give-you-tissue-shit (haha no pun intended), and the no space, there is not enough room for more than two people to be at the sinks at the same time. It’s like they were making bathrooms for an alien race of Martian who are 1 foot by 1 foot in size.

Then the taps are those press taps that chack way too much water, splash you and make you look like you went to the bathroom to pee on yourself. And the drier only works after you switch the switch on which you tend to only remember after your hands are wet.

Yay!!

So the other day I went to the bathroom. I like me and my thrones to have a real personal-like connection, you know? But me and this heifer are just getting NOwhere. So I go in (with a book) and begin The Process.

Don’t get it twisted, The Process (mostly. cough) happens at home. But sometimes, you know, shit (:D) hits the fan.

So there I was.

Ana’a chile walks in and I’m like DAMNIT. She’s Interrupting My Flow. So I pause.

But she’s there for the same purpose! DAMNIT!

So she enters the other miniscule booth and Gets Comfortable.

At this point I would like to mention that instead of all of the shit (:D) bills Parliament is so busy passing, one should be passed to make Loo Music a compulsory feature. I mean, you realize with no music or distraction, you hear Everyone’s Everything Going Down? You hear The Entire Process.

Like…

Everything.

Dude. Compulsory. Music. Please.

I try and wait her out because that’s just Uncomfortable now. Naaaatsin. So I decide to make a dash for it. AS DOES SHE!

That awkward moment when your businesses are done and you come out and face each other and y’all are FROM THE SAME OFFICE and HER FLY IS UNZIPPED and SHE’S JUST PICKED UP HER PHONE.

SO SHE ZIPS UP HER FLY AND WALKS OUT IF THE BATHROOM.

WITHOUT WASHING HER HANDS.

POST DOODOO!!

Never shaking that heifer’s hand EVER…

tSN