Happy April, you fools!

Fools for what? I feel like a fool for love lately. Like I feel like I give so much of myself in my romantic relationships and I don’t get what I need back. It’s always funny to me when people say girls are needy. That feels different from no, you’re not giving me what I need. I need what I need. Everyone needs something.

But my blues are probably also being brought about by this fucking pandemic and lockdown, innit. The Taking Stock March might not include this bit, but wait till we see how we feel at the end of April! Wa!

What cartoons (whether from your childhood or present) do you think of often?
I love cartoons that are shapeshifters. The ones where the cartoons can change into whatever they want – and they’re usually either blue or green, have you noticed? So think the genie from my favorite Disney animation ever, Aladdin, or Ned’s Newt that used to come on TV Africa, or The Mask, which is one of my favourite animations and movies of all time (Jim Carrey is a comedic genius) and last but definitely not least, Freakazoid, the weird wacky brainchild of Steven Spielberg’s universe. (super toon extraordinaire! Freakazoid! Freakazoid! Runs around in underwear! Freakazoid! Freakazoid!)

What would your life look like if you lived a perfect life? Describe a day to me.

Oh God! I’ve been thinking about this a lot in terms of (of course romantic life, as is previously indicated above) what jobs I’ve agreed to be taking on, you know? Like in my professional life, what and how much am I willing to do? It isn’t much to be honest because unlike Deadpool, I’m about minimum effort. A perfect day to be honest looks like little to no work at all. Or at least work I enjoy. Like my opinion pieces in the Nation (I really enjoy bitching on public forums). Or watching TV for my reviews, and reading. A perfect day for me looks like waking up late (unless I’m catching a sunrise), laying in bed for as long as I want because I don’t have deadlines and everyone I need or want to see is coming in the late afternoon, a good hearty breakfast (tea, baked beans, omelettes, sausages, something with mushrooms and cheese which can also be the omelette, a salad, a fruit, orange juice…those things. All. The. Things. Every day brunch), then doing the things I want, seeing the people I want to see, and then coming home to do like, nothing for like many hours. Lol. I see a trend. Perfect weeks/months also include travel somewhere. And hotels. And outsides. And airplane food. And cuddles.

Is the world ending? What haven’t you done yet?

The world is most definitely ending, and there are many things I have not done yet. If it isn’t COVID killing us, it’s your bloody fucking government’s fuel prices (I don’t know if you saw this, but they’re increasing fuel prices, again). I’m glad the vaccines are out, even though we don’t know what that is going to do to our bodies, it really doesn’t feel like we have much of a choice right now. So at some point, when it becomes accessible to me, I will definitely get it. I don’t know how we’ll do another lockdown, I guess I’ll try to apply the lessons learnt from the last lockdown (keep a hollerdex going, live with people, stay safe, don’t go to Milan). What haven’t I done yet i.e. if today is my last day am I ok with that? Yeah. There are places I’ve always wanted to go to that I’ve gone to (Cuba et al), and there are more places of course but at least I’ve done a few. There are books I always wanted to write – Akello – and of course there are more, but I’m glad two have been done, at least. I have purpose issues and impostor syndrome, but really, that’s everyone, no? I haven’t grown old. I think that’ll be weird and nice. Or at least, make for some interesting writing.

Which ancestors came to you this month?
Been thinking about this a lot too. This month for the first time, I drove to my dala by myself – 7 ish hours to Kisumu, and then another 2 on a different day to the birthplace of my ancestors. Every time I go, I always visit my grandparents’ graves, and my uncle and aunty. This uncle of mine who died years ago – visiting his grave always makes me so very emotional. He was my favourite uncle and of course the most handsome – all nieces think this about their uncles – and the most manliest charismatic funny larger-than-life-est man ever. I remember his face three weeks before he died, picking us up from the airport directly from the runway because that’s just who he was. I remember being so thoroughly confused that he was dead and I would never see him again. How? I just saw him…I remember crying so much in a dark room with my dala buddies trying to console me and not knowing what to say. Death is a thief.

This time for the first time, I went to my cousin’s grave. He died so young, when he was 25. I’ve never visited his grave. Sometimes visiting his memory even feels like a lot. His smile is always so clear to me, his eyes, his playful heart. But we went this time, me and my other cousin. I told him we miss him and we think about him so often. His memory stays solid, with us. Then we poured a libation, got in the car and drove away from our ancestors, who will never leave us.

Where next?

Somewhere cold and romantic. Not every day every day beach. Sometimes staying in the zone. LOL.

How will you cope with this lockdown?

I’m trying to cope with lockdown this year by slowing down once again. We forget how Nairobi takes you in and swallows you whole, even during a pandemic. For me, I have to slow down. Smell the roses. Masturbate. Lol. Live slowly so that I don’t go mad. Am I making sense? It’s that thing for when your body slows down its processes to conserve heat and energy. Like that. Doing one thing a day. Not overloading your own capacities so that if this lasts longer, you have reserves.

What song is playing in your mind over and over again?

Of COURSE, the gay icon of the moment, Lil Nas X’s Montero. An important song, but also a funny, frivolous, burlesque romp. I WANT THAT JETLAG FROM FUCKING AND FLYING!

Did you do the things you were supposed to do last month?

Such an accusatory tone, Abi. I have not killed my editor, so that’s a good thing, to not be in jail. I still have my column. My cousin’s birthday was great. I haven’t decentred men (insert a rolling eye) and I am still bored of exercise (I did naked yoga for the first time this month, and that was bomb). I’m STILL not saying no enough, especially to work stuff and people. So…April?

What makes you feel like a fucking adult?

Flossing. I floss my teeth every day, if I’m near floss. I can count on one hand the days I’ve missed, usually from laziness and inertia. But yeah. Dental health, CHECK. 50-year-old Abi will not be caught slipping. 🙂