It’s all well and good to say I am not going to have children when I’m 14, but when you get to ahem my age, you wouldn’t believe how quickly potential lifetime mates start to fall off the radar after you say that phrase. Problem is, it’s true. I’m not planning on children. Ok, not this week, anyway.

I say that for the benefit of all the women reading this and rolling their eyes, thinking “Yeah, sure. Wait till your clock starts ticking.” You know what? I think some phrases (like that) are a conspiracy. You hear something for so long, you begin to believe that it has to be true. Much like religion. HA. Anyway, I guess I will not know till I am, what, 65? In which case if I want kids, I will adopt. I don’t, right now. At all. Like I always say, they are only cute when you can give them back.

So where does that leave me? I have a few theories. 1, I will be THAT CHICK at the club/garden party/wedding who will have conversations like these:

“Hey.”
“Hi.”
“I’m Nebuchadnezzar. You can call me Chad.”
“How…nice.”
“What’s your name?”
“tSN.”
“That’s a gorgeous name. Exotic. Are you…”
“Filipino? No.”
“I was going to say single.”
“Um…”
“Because I’d like to get to know you.”
“Do you want children?”
“What?”
“Children. Kids. Spawn. A procession of your lineage.”
“That’s…jumping the gun a bit…”
“Not really. You see, I’m at the age where I don’t really have a lot of time to waste picking up the pieces after my heart is broken, so if I’m getting into a relationship, or a dateship, or, whatever it is you want, it’s going to be a serious one. I am not planning to have any children, so if you are, you’re wasting your time.”

See what I mean? Then it’ll turn out to be my friend’s (whose wedding I am attending) brother and I’ll be mortified, but whatever. My cousin thinks I am never going to get married (he also thinks my ovaries are community property. Can’t fault him, seeing as in Kenya, to have any procedures done in your nethers, you have to get a signature from a male member of your family. Because it’s HIS junk. #$%^&*%^&%^!@**!) A valid supposition, seeing as how many red-blooded (because, yes, English language, you can be otherwise) African males – males, generally – do you know who don’t want children? (feel free to leave their numbers in the comments section)

Or, 2, I could find love at an old age when everyone has had kids and they’re done with the brouhaha, then they realize they never really wanted them anyway (LOL). Which means till then, I will be going through a cycle of a, friends with benefits, b, intense self love, c, nothing at all (it’s possible. I promise.) or d, relationships that I know are going nowhere but I get into them nonetheless because, as we have previously gathered, I am secretly masochistic.

So I’m giving it 20 years, during which I’ll get rich, or at least feel rich because I’m spending all my money on myself, buy a cat, go on vacations and generally live the selfish life I am very much looking forward to. *puts on shades* *drives off into the sunset*

tSN